


I just want be myself, Can't be somebody else

by uselessmoth



Series: Haikyuu Bois - they’re all gay apart from a few [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Autistic Kageyama Tobio, Fluff, Hinata Shouyou Has ADHD, Hurt/Comfort, I will learn how to tag one day i swear, Kageyama has a crush on Hinata, Light Angst, M/M, Mentioned Bokuto Koutarou, Mentioned Sugawara Koushi, but who would?, can be read as platonic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 17:34:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28692558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uselessmoth/pseuds/uselessmoth
Summary: Too much too much. Is all Tobio can think. It’s too much, he can’t deal with it. Tobio hates it so much, he doesn’t know what’s even wrong. Too many people are talking. No one is even talking to him. It’s just the team? And then some. Why is it so wrong?
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Series: Haikyuu Bois - they’re all gay apart from a few [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2045545
Comments: 4
Kudos: 122





	I just want be myself, Can't be somebody else

**Author's Note:**

> ✨A HEADS UP ✨  
> This is based off purely off my own experiences I have a lot of symptoms for both Autism and ADHD (yet my mum doesn't think there is anything wrong with me and won't get me to talk to someone)   
> The stimming is based on my own and so is Kageyama's reaction   
> Please be mindful that I don't mean to offend if it is wrong but it's based off my own experiences and I'm sorry if it seems wrong and I am open to criticism

Too much too much. Is all Tobio can think. It’s too much, he can’t deal with it. Tobio hates it so much, he doesn’t know what’s even wrong. Too many people are talking. No one is even talking to him. It’s just the team? And then some. Why is it so wrong? 

Tobio lifts himself off the couch and heads towards the bathroom. His fingers interlocking and starting to rub together. Burning his skin a little. He doesn’t like the hand movements when he gets like this. People used to make fun of him. So he did what he could. The energy crackling down his arms was horrible though. He wanted to shake, to shake uncontrollably until all of it was out of his system. Starting with his hands and then his head. Yet no one could see. They’d make fun of him again. They had another setter to replace him with. They’d do it in heartbeat, he’d be left alone all over again. Tobio pushed open the bathroom door and almost slammed it behind him. 

Letting go of his hands immediately started the shake. Flapping up and down. Tobio was never sure if the clicking noise was his wrist or his fingers hitting each other. He hoped it was just his finger shitting each other cause it's kinda disturbing. Tobio slides against the door. Landing a little bit harder than he anticipated. His tailbone burning as he tried to move his hands to rub at the now sensitive spot. Next was the nose scrunching as he regained control of his hands. This one Tobio hated just a little more than his hand flaps. It blocked his vision when he did it. When they got a point in he had to try and fight it off until the next point was scored. He couldn’t set. He couldn’t be like Hinata and hit the ball with his eyes shut. Tobio needed to see to set. All he had was volleyball, setting, receiving, serving. That’s all he knew. It’s what he was good at and he had… 

Friends. Almost family. Suga and Daichi acting like parents to the team and Noya and Tanaka being crazy older brothers. Would they leave him? They still stayed even when he was a moody bitch. Hinata had tried so hard. Would they leave him for such a simple thing? All his other friends did. 

The more Tobio thought the more he started up. Along with his nose scrunches he was flapping with his entire arms. He wanted to cry. This sucked. He had left his phone out on the bench as well. He couldn’t listen to music to block out the buzzing in his head. Even the small noises from the conversations seeping through the door. He wants to go home. To lay in his bed listening to his music and blocking out the world. Flapping and scrunching until he felt normal again. Even if he didn’t know what normal was. Tobio always felt out of place unless he was on the court. Then he felt normal. Everything makes sense. And now with his team, it felt even better. He wasn’t alone anymore. 

But what if this was the breaking? What if everyone abandoned him? Suga was there, an easy fix once they kicked him off the team. Leaving him with no friends again. Did he even have friends back then? Did it count just to be hanging with them because of volleyball? Maybe he never had friends at all. 

Bringing his knees up and curling around them. Shaking his head into his knees. Messing up his hair. He can feel it tickling his forehead and ears. 

“Bakayama? Yamayama? Kags? Kageyama Tobio?” 

He curls closer to the door. Hands itching to move again. Hinata is safe. He knows Hinata is safe. Their best friends even if Tobio hates to admit it sometimes. Hinata is full of energy and Tobio swears he’s seen him wiggling. Especially when they were up at Shiritorizawa and the weird red-haired on the other side was dancing. Hinata was almost copying him. Tobio had to leave very quickly so he could get his own electricity out. It was brought on by the win, Hinata and the other player. He hated it so much because it lasted for so long. 

“Bakayama I know you’re in there. I saw the door move.” 

Oh no. Hinata can’t know. He’s safe is all he wants to scream but it’s not okay. 

“Leave me alone.” He spits out. 

“Oh, you’re just in the bathroom? Sorry.” 

He could hear Hinata sliding down the door. 

“I don’t believe you. You’ve been in there for ten minutes. Come on what’s wrong?” 

“Go away. I don’t want to talk to you.” 

He shakes a little more. He wants to talk to Hinata. he‘s his best friend. But everything feels so wrong at this moment. Hinata’s voice sounds wrong and he hates it so much. Because Hinata is supposed to be warm and fuzzy, not murky and warped. 

That’s when the tears start to come and he can’t stop them. It’s wrong he wants to be normal. He wants everything to go back to normal. He opens up the door without thinking. Maybe it’s the door that’s making Hinata sound wrong, he’ll sound better if he’s in the same room as him. Hinata falls back into the bathroom. Almost hitting his head on the titled floor. Saving himself just in time. Tobio backed away from him a little more. Shaking his head now. Forming a headache in between his eyebrows. 

“Kageyama? Hey hey. Look at me.” 

He shakes even more. The headache getting worse. Hinata clamps his hands over his cheeks. Stilling his head but not his hands. And the nose scrunches which made it hard to focus on Hinata’s face. His wild amber eyes that always looked so nice to Tobio. 

“Are you okay? Why are you crying?” 

Tobio shakes his head. Well tries to, Hinata’s hands keep him facing forward. Pressing his cheeks into his mouth a little. 

“Do you know why you’re crying? Noya-San says that Asahi-San cries for no reason sometimes? Is it like that?” 

Tobio shakes his head again. His hands still flapping in front of him. Hinata removes his hands gently and places them over his own. Pressing them down into his lap. 

“Calm down. If you can. I know Bokotou-san has a hard time doing that sometimes and sometimes my head and body feels like zzzztttt and buzz. Especially after a good spike. Maybe that’s the same with you.” 

He shakes his head again. Hinata frowns. Taking his hands away completely, Tobio wants to chase after them with his own hands. Hinata’s are warm much like the sun. Unlike Tobio’s entire family who has cold fingers feeling like ice in winter and comfort in the Summertime. Hinata’s warmth was something he didn’t want to go away. Reaching out to take his hands again. Tobio playing with his fingers. Blush creeping onto his face. Hinata’s own face turning a soft shade of red. 

“So do you know what’s wrong or not?” 

Tobio shakes his head. Focusing on twirling their fingers together to try and calm himself down a little. Hinata’s little smile and blush grew a little more. “Is it making you feel better?” 

Tobio nods again. His hands sliding down his wrist where there’s a beaded bracelet from Yachi. Fiddling with the beads making them click together. Making his other hand shake a little. 

“You like that?” 

Nodding is so much easier than replying but Tobio feels like he needs to say something. Yet he doesn’t. It feels wrong to speak as if he’ll reveal all his secrets or cry even more. Hinata slips it off his wrist, sliding over Tobio’s hands. It settles against his skin. Warm from where it’s been sitting on Hinata. 

“A-are are you sure?” His voice is raw and cracks. It’s a sign of weakness. Yet Hinata is the type of person to make walls fall down. 

“Bakayama. Yachi made me it because I like clicking them when I’m unfocused. ADHD things. Maybe you have something similar?” 

He shrugs. Clicking the beads together. Smile settling on his lips. It doesn’t stop his hands from shaking after they click. It just happens. Hinata is wiggling his head from side to side. His own sunshine grin across his lips. 

“Are you okay?” 

Hinata stops, the head wiggles and waves his hands in front of him. “I’m fine. I’m just stimming, mainly cause I like seeing you happy and I often do my own thing when I see others do it. I dunno. Umm just ignore me it’s about you.” 

Tobio lets out a small laugh. 

“I like it when you talk. It it helps me uh feel better. You have a nice voice.” Tobio feels the blush heating up his face. Burning his ears as well. 

He knew he had a crush on his best friend. He couldn’t not. Hinata was always there for him even if he was rude, pushy and an asshole in general. He put up with his grouchy demeanour and had a knack for knowing what he was thinking. Speaking up for him when he felt like he was going to explode if he spoke. It was easier to stay quiet and let Hinata ramble till his brain ran out of steam and he looked confused for a bit. He looked so cute when that happened. Tobio most of the time could hold back his urges to squeeze his cheeks. Sometimes he did. 

“Well, that’s a relief. For a very long time, I thought you hated me talking so when you looked at me I would shut up. So I thought you hated me speaking and I got really insecure cause I couldn’t help it but I’m talking too much.” 

How Tobio wished he had the confidence to kiss him to take away his frown. He literally couldn’t help it. Tobio didn’t understand how his ADHD worked, he didn’t understand his own brain. 

“I like you talking.”

“I know Bakayama. You told me. But it still doesn’t help that I find myself annoying. Just leave it at that and play with your beads. I’m gonna ask Yachi if she can make me another one.” He starts to stand up.

Tobio stops clicking the beads together and grabs Hinata’s arm again. Amber eyes turning to him, full of confusion. He just hopes that him grabbing on to him is enough. He doesn’t want to admit defeat and ask him to stay. It’s a sign of weakness, he’s too clingy. He needs to let people go on, everyone will leave eventually. 

“I guess I’ll stay then.” He sits back down on the floor. Back up against the wall and shoulder brushing up against Tobio’s own. 

So that’s where they sit. On the bathroom floor while everyone’s voices drift gently up from the lounge room. Tobio clicks the beads together, while Hinata’s knee goes haywire. Jiggling up and down as he hums a little. 

“You fidget so much,” Tobio says. Hinata simply raises an eyebrow. 

“Says the one clicking that bracelet. I think you should see a psychiatrist maybe they can figure out what’s up. When I was small I was-” 

“What do you mean when? You’re still small.” 

“Aye! Shut up Bakayama. I’m just trying to help.” 

Tobio apologies and Hinata gives him a small smile. “It’s okay. But I was so bad without my meds. You think I can’t focus in school or calm down. I was so much worse back in grade school before I was diagnosed.” 

He gives a little hum. 

“Do you wanna go back to them? Or we can just wait until you feel better or Bokuto-San or Suga-San come looking for us?” Hinata suggests. 

“Can we stay here?” 

Hinata nods happily and goes back to a dance that looks suspiciously like the sunflower’s from Plants vs Zombies. Tobio doesn’t mind. He’s not alone and the beads are helping the world not feel as fuzzy and warped. Hinata makes it better as well.

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't hesitate to say something if anything is majorly wrong, message me on insta (scribblesbynewt) and give me tips on fixing it :)


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